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Secret Pastry Mrs. Robertson 2/Mar/2001

It seems that the most popular Pastry songs contain a lot of spleen. So what more appropriate way to write a pæn to our beautiful home town of Glasgow, than to engage our most peculiarly-named organ into writing a song about how much we dislike Edinburgh. Mrs. Robertson is a small persona whom we created to sum up all that is wrong with our cousins in the East. Fortunately and unlike our two previous songs, people of all classes can unite in resent, to the strains of Simon and Garfunkel's Mrs. Robinson.

 
Download Mrs. Robertson MIDI Murray/Watt

And here's to you, Mrs. Robertson,
Jesus knows that you'll have had your tea.
(Hee hee hee.)
God-forsaken place that is Edinburgh,
Heaven lies just fifty miles away.
(Kenneth Hay!)
(Kenneth Hay!)

I'd rather be castrated,
Have a bad case of the piles.
I'd rather be fellated by an elf.
Look around you,
All you see are people you despise.
Turn around the car,
And take the M8 home.

And here's to you, Mrs. Robertson,
Jesus knows that you'll have had your tea.
(Hee hee hee.)
God-forsaken place that is Edinburgh,
Heaven lies just fifty miles away.
(Kenneth Hay!)
(Kenneth Hay!)

Losers of the human race,
Whom no-one wants to know.
Whyever do your people run the country?
It's a well-known secret,
But it's not exactly fair.
Most of all, we hate seeing you
On shortbread tins.

O, look at you, Mrs. Robertson,
Jesus knows that you'll have had your tea.
(Hee hee hee.)
God-forsaken place that is Edinburgh,
Heaven lies just fifty miles away.
(Kenneth Hay!)
(Kenneth Hay!)

"Where are we going,
This fine Sunday afternoon?"
"Going to the city that you hate."
Hear that accent,
Scratch you eyes out.
They probably hate you.
Ev'ry way you look at it you lose.

"Why have we come, my dear Daddio?
I hate this bloody city, so do you."
(Boo hoo hoo.)
What's that you say, Mrs. Robertson?
I've not had my tea:
It's half past two.
You damn fool.

CommentsComments 

Derek said:
Dear Kenneth,

As you can see from the lyric, our Kenneth Hay is the hero of the piece: a symbol of all that is good about Glasgow. As such, I would have imagined you to be proud to be a namesake!

Cheers,

Derek.

Kenneth Hay said:
Dear mrry.co,

Your chorus line now pop's up in google - which is doing my street cred no good at all...As Hay is a good Highland name (I'm from Inverness) and not really involved in your Glasgow-Edinburgh dispute, what are the chances of you changing it something more reassuring for my career prospects...??? like "Silvery Tay" or "Gone away" or some other rhyming tripthonng???
"Scot's wahey"

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