Jumbo #5 is the original Secret Pastry song, coming from an era when the site wasn't devoted to the delivery of comic lyrics to the masses. It stems from an idea of Derek's that the Lou Bega song, Mambo Number 5, contained many lines that sounded suspiciously close to names of foodstuffs (eg. 'little bit of Rita' - chicken fajita). Our personal favourite line is any instance of 'Crumpet'.

Madam, here is your Jumbo number 5.

Mange tout, cheese, pork pie:
Everybody in the car,
So come on let's ride to the
Grocer's store around the corner:
The boys say they want same petit filous,
But I really don't want to
Feel unwell like I did last week:
I ate so much because food is cheap.
I like chilli dogs, saveloys, chicken fajitas,
And as I continue, you know they're getting sweeter.
So I want a can of juice to wash it all down my throat.
To me, eating is just like a sport.
Filled with fat is all good,
Let me finish it off with a crumpet.

A little bit of Bollinger sixty-five,
A little bit of cherry cake on the side,
A little fajita's all I need:
A little Ribena with some meat.
Tomatoes that are sun-dried in the sun.
The cheese will give me nightmares all night long.
A little bit of shoulder pork and ham,
A little bit of stew makes me a man.

Jumbo number five.

Jump up and down,
And move it all around.
Shake your hand to the sound;
Put your lamb on the the ground.
Take one step left,
And one step right,
One to the front,
And one to the side.
Smoke your hams once and smoke your hams twice,
And if you're going to throw up,
Then you're doing it right.

A little bit of Bollinger sixty-five,
A little bit of cherry cake on the side,
A little fajita's all I need:
A little Ribena with some meat.
Tomatoes that are sun-dried in the sun.
The cheese will give me nightmares all night long.
A little bit of shoulder pork and ham,
A little bit of stew makes me a man.

Crumpet, eat the crumpet.

Jumbo number five.

A little bit of Bollinger sixty-five,
A little bit of cherry cake on the side,
A little fajita's all I need:
A little Ribena with some meat.
Tomatoes that are sun-dried in the sun.
The cheese will give me nightmares all night long.
A little bit of shoulder pork and ham,
A little bit of stew makes me a man.

I'd do all to pluck and roast a bird like you.
You can't run, and you can't hide:
You'll end up on my inside.

Jumbo number five.

amy watt said:
derek - I was listening to some old divine comedy with my boyfriend Gaz, and it especially reminded me of the lyrics you and jamie (yup - I am such a one's sister) wrote for national express, so it prompted me to come on and look for secret pastry. So I'm absolutely delighted that it's all still up and running, and you've not left secret pastry in the dim and distant past. Hope you're doing well!

terrie said:
i do not like your food aswell as your website

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